Then and Now

True suffering is what brings people to the path of Yoga

These are the words of Kino McGregor’s teacher which she shared in a class I took with her last Friday. She said he would go so far as to say that those who have not experienced this suffering find it nearly impossible to properly practice Yoga. As she spoke my eyes began to water as I felt years of past experiences move through me in an instant. I felt the pain, the confusion, and the sadness that was my everyday life not all that long ago. And yet somehow these tears that welled within me were tears of gratitude, reverence, and joy. It’s only now that I write this out that I realize it was experiencing where I was then with where I am today that overwhelmed me. I attribute that to nothing other than the grace of God. What else could move me so drastically in such a short amount of time? After all it was my own ideas that brought me to my debilitating suffering. How on Earth could I be accredited for getting myself out of the illusion I was so deeply entrenched in.

In telling my personal story, I’ll refer to God somewhat regularly. This is personal to me and indicates what I believe and I how I see the world. It is not representative of the science of Ayurveda. Ayurveda recognizes a spiritual aspect of all human beings however it does not adhere to any specific set of beliefs, religions, or creeds. My teacher at Kerala Ayurveda says it like this.

We are born from the nature and we will return to the nature and it is that same nature that sustains us in between.

- Dr. Jayarajan Kodikannath

My personal experience is that the supreme creator of the universe holds me closely and dear to his heart. He protects and nourishes me, strengthens and encourages me. He has redeemed me and brought me home for a purpose. And it seems a big part of that purpose is to share the great healing science of Ayurveda. I suppose you can never be 100% certain but I believe it is my Dharma.

Alright let’s return to this suffering we talked about earlier shall we?

When I was 25 years old I fell in love with a girl named Christen. I’d never felt anything like it and I was convinced we would spend the rest of our lives together in total ecstasy. Within just a couple of years that relationship fell apart descending into toxicity. What was an even bigger problem was that I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let go of the prospect, the potential, and the dream that was once so real. So we stayed together through all the fights, breakups, and betrayals. By the end of it the levels of resentment and contempt were so high there were no good days left to be had. Each day was another opportunity to make the other person feel as bad as they did.

The relationship wasn’t the only thing going wrong either. I developed an addiction to internet pornography in my early 20’s which carried on throughout the entirety of that relationship. I was also no stranger to drugs and alcohol during that time. In fact I’d say we were well acquainted. Misery, anxiety, and pain were my daily experience and it was only little escapes from time to time that would serve as my reprieve.

By age 28 I managed to find the strength to end that relationship for good. This came with a wave of relief but it also came with many other waves of bitter truth. Waves that were painful and illuminated things I did not want to see. Questions arose like: Who was I to endure such a situation for so long? I’m not capable of such ignorance or poor decision making right? I would never allow myself to be treated so poorly right? I would never say those things or act that way right?

But there I was looking at that exact reality right in front of me. I did indeed do all of those things and I was exactly that kind of person. I legitimately did not recognize myself in the mirror and my self respect had leveled out at 0. It was more than I could articulate or understand.

Not only was my mental/emotional life a mess but my body was in rough shape too. Years of sitting in poker rooms, crazy sleep schedules, and clueless eating habits did not do my any favors.

At this point an unconscious spark prompted me to do something seemingly out of left field. I searched online for Yoga studios near me and attended my first class just 10 minutes from my apartment. No one recommended it I just did it without even thinking. Kind of like getting out of bed and going to the bathroom. No thoughts, just my body leading me as my minimally conscious brain follows along hardly awake. I certainly didn’t have any relationship with Yoga and I didn’t know anyone who did. My only experience was a class I took when I was 20 and then another when I was about 25. Those classes made no conscious impact on me at the time. I just remember feeling pretty good afterwards and thinking the next day “I’m standing up really straight today.”

Yet of course an impact was in fact made because years later I turned straight to Yoga in this time of darkness. I liked my first Yoga class and bought the 2 week new student special. At the time I didn’t really have reasons or goals for going. I just went for the simple fact that it made me feel good. Before long it was my lifeline and I got really really into it. I started to change and so did things around me. I did a 30 day challenge where I went to Yoga every day for 30 days. One day My neighbor Jerry told me that “the thing you don’t realize is that your health is the best thing you have going for you.” And for whatever reason I actually listened to him. I started cooking eggs in the morning and going to chipotle instead of steak n shake. :) I got my hands on “The Heart of Yoga” a book by Desikechar, son of Krishnamacharya. He taught me how to approach Yoga and how to practice it. How to breathe and how to begin to understand my own ignorance and fear. I confessed my addictions to my parents and then each of my friends. That led me to working with an addiction counselor and other forms of psychotherapy as well.

And so seemingly out of nowhere a stark change in direction took place. All of a sudden I wanted to do what made me feel better instead of what made me feel worse. In hindsight it turns out I did have a goal and a very precise one at that. I was tapping into anything and everything that would alleviate my suffering and prevent me from experiencing that suffering again. I was running full speed towards anything that promised to take that suffering away from me. And Yoga seemed to have an answer for every layer of my experience. It made me feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally. I started to feel better about myself. More confident and more capable of doing hard things. It improved my clarity of perception and helped me to make new choices and break up old patterns. Yoga changed my life and I’ll always be grateful for my opportunity to learn and practice it.

About a year later a good friend of mine handed me a big yellow textbook called “The Textbook of Ayurveda.” Which we’ll talk about next week :)